In this commercial, Keyz (as Big Jim) promotes his online gun service.

Script Edit

Hey, folks! This is your old pal Big Jim here again. Ever since my commercial for Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit aired on The Awful Show, we've gotten more business than I could have ever expected. So I decided to branch out to other economical ventures.

Now, lemme ask you a question. Did you ever have to murder someone? I know what that's like folks, I've been there myself. First you need to buy a gun, gotta wait 3 fucking days just to get one, get them governmental clearances and shit, then after you kill the guy, you gotta decide what to do with the gun. Do you throw it into a river? Shit, you do that you're out at least a hundred bucks. Or do you keep it and risk having the cops find it. You have that happen, you're going to jail, gotta shower with 30 other hairy guys, you drop the soap, bend over to pick it, end up getting sodomized by some 300 pound mother fucker who keeps calling you Betty. That's no good.

So what can you do? Well, folks. Your prayers will be answered when you sign up for Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet. That's right folks. For just $19.99 a month you can be a member of Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet. What you do is sign on to Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet dot com and search our catalog of over 300 guns, find the one that's right for the job and click 'rent'. Just like Netflix, we'll send you the gun in about 1 business day. What you do is take the gun, load it up, go out, find the guy you want to kill, shoot him in the head, take the gun back home, stick it in the prepaid envelope and send it right back to us. You've only had to spend a few bucks for some bullets and you don't have to worry about the cops tagging you with the gun. They can arrest you, take you to court, you stand up in front of the judge, he asks if you killed the guy, you say no, he asks the cops if they found the murder weapon, they say no, the judge smacks the hammer, says case dismissed and you walk away scot free.

So folks, don't be waiting around for nature to off these jackoffs you see on a daily basis. Get yourself signed up with Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet and take care of them yourself. At Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet, we give a whole new meaning to the term untraceable. Once again, that's Big Jim's Online Firearm Swapmeet. We'll see you there.

Notes of Interest Edit

  • This was the second of several appearances of the Big Jim character.
  • The background music for this commercial is the vintage banjo tune "Foggy Mountain Breakdown".