(sounds of a bar)
Guy #1: So I says to Mabel, I says...oh, shit!
Guy #2: You said "Oh, shit"?
Guy #1: Nah! Peterson just walked in. What the fuck is he doing here?
Guy #2: Who's that?
Guy #1: Remember that party we had last week?
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: That's the son-of-a-bitch who lives next door. The guy who called the police because we were "playing the music too loud".
Guy #2: Aw, man! That's the cocksucker?
Guy #1: Uh-huh. I need to get that little bitch back some how.
Guy #2: How?
Guy #1: I don't know, yet.
Announcer: Hey, listeners! Have you ever had to deal with something like this? Of course you have! We have all had situations where we needed to get revenge on someone. But unfortunately there are crazy laws that forbid you to shoot the person in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun! That is why Awful Show industries has developed an easy way to get even. Introducing...
The snack cakes for vengeance! Commuffins come in 3 varieties: Poison Puffs (tasty devils food cake covered in pink coconut laced with strychnine), Cannon Cakes (delicious chocolate cupcakes loaded with lithium crystals that explode when they come in contact with saliva), and Biohazard Balls (donut hole treats liberally infected with anthrax). All Commuffins snacks are inconspicuously scrumptious-looking to the naked eye, but don't be fooled! They are loaded with just what you need for retaliation.
Guy #1: Hey, Peterson!
Peterson: Huh? (snooty) Oh, it's you. What do you want?
Guy #1: I really want to apologize for the other night when we were makin' all that noise.
Peterson: Yeah? Well, you should be sorry!
Guy #1: Uh-huh. Anyway, to call a truce, how about a cupcake as a peace offering. They're chocolate!
Peterson: (anxiously) Chocolate?!? (then, non-chalantly) Oh, ummm...sure why not.
Peterson: (talking with mouth full) Mmmmmm! Wow! These are really delicio...(BOOOOOOOOOM! effect)
Guy #1: (subtly) That'll teach you to call the cops on me, fucker.
Announcer: Ha! Ha! Ha! It sure will! Remember, folks. When you want to give someone their comeuppance, you need to try commuffins!
Because revenge is a dish best served...as a snack! (BOOOOOOOOOM! effect)
Commuffins are available at all Food Lion, Piggly-Wiggly and Fred's Retribution Shack locations.
Notes of Interest Edit
- This is one of the few commercial that actual stores are named instead of altered ones.
- The product name comes from the uncommon word 'comeuppance'.
- The line "So I says to Mabel, I says..." is a line from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (also used on The Simpsons). It was a sentence that never had an ending.