In this commercial, a number of voice talents "advertise" a very poor legal counseling service.

Script Edit

Announcer: In a sea of successful legal council, there is one team who stands head and shoulders below the rest...

Hairass Bitch, Attorneys at Law!

At Hairass Bitch, attorneys at law, we have a team of unprofessional, poorly-groomed lawyers and rude and obnoxious legal secretaries with poor genital hygiene ready to take your case and fuck it up as much as humanly possible.

But don't take my word for it.

Let's listen to a testimony from Robert Limpmember from Halitosis, Delaware about his experience with Hairass Bitch

Robert: I worked very hard my whole life to amass a good fortune, a lovely home, and 3 cars. Thanks to hairass bitch, my ex-wife got the house, the cars, the kids, and half my income for the next 40 years. Fuck you, Hairass-Bitch!

Announcer: Not good enough? How about a testimony by Mary Ellen Rottencrotch from Diarrhea Springs, Wisconsin...

Mary Ellen: The hospital gave us a huge bill for my daughter's chemotherapy. I had to take out two mortgages on my house to try and pay them. But thanks to Hairass-Bitch, I still owe the hospital thousands of dollars, plus I've had to resort to harvesting my eggs to just cover the legal fees. Fuck you, Hairass-Bitch!

Announcer: Here's a testimony from Hooter Stumpfuck of Frog Balls, Alabama.

Hooter: I joined a class action suit against McDonnys for use of tainted beef through Hairass Bitch. Thanks to their constant fuck-ups, My credit rating has been destroyed and I am now serving 2 consecutive life sentences for the murder of someone I have never even heard of. Fuck you, Hairass-Bitch!

Announcer: At Hairass Bitch, our lawyers can take even the simplest case and turn it into a complete and total clusterfuck, annihilating the financial well-being of you and everyone you love. So come on in for an expensive consultation that will provide no real help in solving your problem and will leave you cursing a blue streak.

Hairass Bitch, Attorneys at Law!

Lawyers you swear at, not by.

Hairass Bitch, Attorneys at Law!

For more information, visit the web at

Notes of Interest Edit

  • This commercial was created for friend of the show Miss Cas who worked for, and detested, the actual law firm Harris-Beach in New York.
  • "Mary Ellen Rottencrotch" is a generic name similar to that used by R. Lee Ermey in the movie "Full Metal Jacket".
  • "Hooter Stumpfuck" is a name concocted by the late George Carlin in his book "Brain Droppings", as is the city of "Frog Balls".